The time on the card stated 11 am. But I was there at 7.50 am. Got my turn , number 20. waited and waited. Words forming in my head on how and what to say . Thinking of excuses on how to say it.

Time almost 11 am. Almost the same time as on the card.

Finally. By then it was rapid palpitations.

Sure enough. The readings rocketed.

Hmm... before she could utter anything, I blurted out my first words... How ... what..

Alas all those anxieties were for nothing. The readings were down this time. A lot better than the last 3 months.

By 12 pm it was over.

Until the next time, palpitations and all.

it has been more than 48 hours now. Still suffering. I thoughts those dark days were over .But its back with a vengeance.

Cause of it? Can't pin point to any in particular.

No amount of chemicals can make it go away.

Sleep it out. Enough of it.

Hmm...what do I do now?

My two best friends then , in the early 1970's were Anita Doraisamy and Chan Swee Cheng. I had malay friends , of course. But these two were my closest.

Anita Doraisamy , we shared the same birth sign, I was born on the 1st of April whilst she on the 2nd.So every time April is around the corner I will always remember her, wondering whether she ever has any thoughts of me like I do of her. I suppose being born one day apart, we do have a lot in common. Like most Arians that I know of, we do not do the norm. She was quite temperamental then . I understood her.

Swee Cheng, sweet sweet Swee Cheng. I wonder whether she is in Malaysia or has she moved to Australia to be with her sister? I remember she has a sister who was married to an Australian Mat Salleh.Then,migrating to Australia was quite common. It is still quite common. Back then I used to think that only the non-malays do that. But recent statistics did show that it is not so. Well, they have their reasons. Perhaps the grass is really greener on that side of the fence. Its ok. Its better than staying on, not happy about things, complaining and complaining.

But then again, what is there to complain? We are all prosperous. Let us not lie to ourselves. It is a fact. With or without the so called helping hand, we are still prosperous.

Let's agree to disagree, that sometimes we don't see eye to eye over certain issues. But despite that we do share a lot of common goals, for the good of our children, of our future generations.Let us learn to share, to put aside that differences. Let us not forget our history, our past so as to understand our path towards the future.

Almost 30 years on, today, I still have my good friends,of course they are still a mixture. I value their friendship, their understanding, their concern. I laugh with them, I cry with them. And I hope to do so for many many more years to come.

So, Happy Malaysia Day everyone. Here's looking forward to greater things ahead.

These last few days has been bad.Badly affected by that most horrifying, mindless and senseless murder of all time in this country. What right does one has, a human being over the lives of other human being? Only senseless greed dictates such brutal and mindless act. Can't seem to think of worst adjectives to describe these group of humans. Unfit even to be called human beings.

And a good front too. Philanthropist? A man of the people ?

When all the while plotting, scheming , awaiting to make the next move over the next victim.

And I suppose , once done, it became kinda of addictive. It became a powerful game. Winner takes it all.

But as the malay saying goes - Sepandai pandai tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh juga ke tanah.

But it is so sad that something of such a large magnitude to have happen to a group of innocent people especially in this holy month of Ramadhan and Syawal, and to loved ones left behind to mourn their loss forever and ever.The trauma and the the pain. Who is to know? My heart goes out to them.

I feel badly affected by this all.Though they are not family, there are human first. Even when in death, one deserves some kind of dignified send off.

Al-Fathihah.

Its raya with a difference this year. Different for many reasons. This is the second year in a row since my late father left us that we didn’t make it to our home place in Alor Star, Kedah, our annual pilgrimage when raya would be spent at our ancestral home, my late father’s, at least for the first day of raya. Even then, it was never the total nine of us brothers and sisters together at one time cause kak would be in Penang with her in laws, abang sometimes will be there on the first day and most of the times not at all. Well we have our own reasons for not being there, turn to be with in-laws and all. But the permanent members will be a total of six of us. With the exception of my younger brother and another sister in Kuantan, the rest of us are stationed in KL and yet since the passing of late father, we felt it only right to be where he is being laid to rest, and also where mak feel closest to his presence.

When my late father was alive and especially during his working life, we had never made it home to Alor Star on Eidul Fitri or Eidul Adha because father will always be the one to compromise and look after the office , so to speak, to enable his office colleagues to celebrate with their beloved ones at their respective kampongs . In all my years, before marriage, raya is where my father was stationed. I don’t know how and what mother felt, because I suppose mother was ok with it, or was she?

This year we decided not to go back to Alor Star . For many reasons. Sure there were disappointed sighs now and then. But we decided perhaps now that mother is sort of stationed in a permanent home next to big sis’s, we will still do what we do if we are back in Alor Star, ie. planned and cooked the menu together. Well, almost, because being close to one’s home, preparing at home and bringing the cooked food is more convenient and all. But all the same, we managed to still keep the essence of it all intact and whole. With the exception of little brother, all 8 were here. And I think it was blast. It a first day well spent .

We are all home where mak is.

It was Raya with a different cause the baby of the family, played host for the first time. You did well Amal. Welcome home.

HAPPY 31ST YEARS OF TOGETHER DARLING. LOVE YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE, FOR WHAT YOU ARE TO MY CHILDREN. THANK YOU FOR ALL THAT YOU HAVE DONE TO ME, FOR ME, FOR THE CHILDREN.LOOKING FORWARD TO ANOTHER 30 YEARS WITH YOU.


Today marks 31 years of living together as husband and wife, father and mother to four wonderful children with of course the recent addition of one son-in law in 2008 and one grandchild in early 2010. So, what is there more to say.

31 years. More time than time spent living with my parents.

I married at the age of 21. During my third year of study at the university.The courtship period was short.But I was aware of him earlier than that. It was during my first year.He was there, at the same spot, same time and same serious mood reading and doing his stuff on the mezzanine floor, main library . While of course, dear me , was most productive for one hour at the most, always with this group of friends, then, a potential medical student, a potential engineer, and another course mate.One hour of study, break for coffee, another hour , then its time up. whilst all the while he was there, not moving at all, studying, reading and whatever. I noticed he was always in his baju melayu, purple , and his jeans. Hmm, quite smart really. Of course with his sweet moustache and shoulder length hair , he portrayed the look of this one Indonesian movie character.

Anyway to cut the story short, apparently, amidst his serious portrayal of himself he was actually occasionally looking my way, when I was not aware. This I knew when one of course mate approached me and told me I had a secret admirer. When I found out that it was him, I knew that instantly it had to be him. Deep down inside, my gut feeling told me that if I were to hook up with him , it was going to be a permanent thing and I was not ready for that.

So, that was what I did. Took my time . Actually got to know him during his last year, that was towards the end of my second year. Then he was off to Belgium for a year . He came back in December 1978. We got engaged in April 1979, married at on 1st September 1979, again 15 days later he left for UK to finish his doctorate , which he never did, cause he came back within one year. We went again as a family in 1986 to UK.

I finished my final year pregnant with my first child, that was in 1981.

People say there are many phases that one has to go through in a marriage. The first few years of excitement, then the 7 year itch , the middle age crisis, so on and so forth. I have been through all that. The first few years was actually getting to know the real you stage. Everything is well and nice during the courting period because of the front that everyone puts up to one another. So if you survive this stage you'll survive whatever else that comes along.

Marriage is a compromise. And that means making sacrifices. Sometimes, the urge to be self centred is there, to think of doing things to satisfy one's own needs and urge is there.

But then again, I have erred many a times, as a wife, as a mother.....

It hasn't been easy and no one says marriage is a bed of roses. If someone tells me they have a perfect marriage, then they are just kidding themselves, really.

Cause we are not born with marriage skills..As a child there is your mom and dad to tell you the dos and the dont's. But in a marriage? Hmm...

So, egos aside, you have to work to make it happen. You have to talk it out if there is a need to do so. It hurts but its better to get it out of the system, otherwise you never communicate your feelings and needs and that is bad, not good at all.

So, I have had a good 31 years of relationship with my husband, the trials and tribulations, the ups and downs of trying it get it right . It gets better and better. But time is running short. Back then you think you have all the time in the world but now I pray to the Almighty to give me mamy many more years with him.

I am looking forward to the next few years when my career ends. We hope we will be able to full fill our wish of doing a few things together, just the two of us.

I am looking forward to that day.

Alhamdullillah syukur terhadap segala yang telah Engkau limpahkan ke atas keluarga kami selama ini. Segala dugaan , segala rahmat yang kami terima, syukur alhamdullilah.