26.7.2021

 

Tiada yang sempurna

 

Terima la dia seadanya. Alhamdullilah dikurniakan Allah swt masa dan peluang untuk mengharungi  & melayari sisa sisa hidup sesudah kedua duanya  selesai berkhidmat kepada negara.

 

Tidak ada manusia yang sempurna. Hanya Yang Maha Esa sahajala yang sempurna. 

 

Pahit manis cemas  sedih gembira  semuanya telah dirasai bersama. Ada kalanya susah nak kompromi. Ketebalan ego dalam diri masing masing. Perbezaan dalam pendapat dan pesepsi terhadap sesuatu perkara. Mungkin disebabkan latarbelakang yang agak berbeza. Mungkin disebabkan nilai nilai asas agak sedikit berbeza. Mungkin disebabkan faktor persekitaran. 

 

Pokoknya tidak ada dua individu didunia ini dikurniakan kesamaan dari semua sudut. Walaupun pasangan kembar. Alangkan lidah lagi tergigit.

 

Jadi bila buntu,  jalan terbaik adalah mengalah. Diam seribu kata. Usah di besar nyalaan api. 

 

Agree to disagree. Mudah begitu. 

 

Teringatkan pesan dia ketika mula menaikkan sauh untuk memulakan pelayaran. Usah dilawan bila salah seorangnya meninggikan suara. Takut emosi mengatasi kewarasan fikiran. Dan takut melakukan tindakan / keputusan yang kelak disesali. 

 

Itu la prinsip yang dipegang sepanjang 41 tahun pelayaran. Ada masanya timbul keinginan untuk saling membalas kata kata yang menikam ke pelusuk hati tetapi teringatkan pesanan maka berundur diam.

 

Satu ketika dahulu, darah muda  & manis kata orang tua. Setelah 41 tahun tidak pulak ada perumpamaan untuk mengambarkan keadaan kendiri dan juga  teman. 

 

Darah tua & pahit? Tidak. Darah tak berubah , rasa pun tak berubah. 

 

Yang berubah adalah tahap pemahaman tentang perkara  yang adakalanya tidak berupaya untuk diubah . 

 

Kompromi. Menang-menang. Rundingan.saling menghormati, fleksibility.

 

Berada dalam hubungan ada  ups dan downsnya. 

 

 

Terimalah seadanya. Usah memeningkan  kepala. Raikan peluang masa yang masa ada.

16.7.2021

 

Simple but complex

 

I am writing this after a very long rest and sleep. On and off , on and off. 

 

The triggering factor to today’s situation was so simple, nothing complex nor complicating to comprehend and do.

 

So, I thought.

 

Daughter messaged to help her ‘feed’ her sour dough concoction. She was concerned that the fermentation was not working. 

 

So mum was tasked to feed by following a few simple instructions.

 

The first step was to weigh the jar. Remove the cap and weigh. Well, that was simple.

 

Took out the weighing scale, switch it on and weigh.

 

But it was not so simple.

 

Fiddled with some of the buttons ( only 2 actually) . Walla! Got it.

 

Next, to remove some of the fermented stuff. Daughter said the reading must be 75.7gm, not a gram more , not a gram less.

 

So began the journey of no return!

 

Took out a tablespoon, then weighed the jar. No, no no. The scale  went blank.

 

Tried again. Lift jar, fiddle fiddle. Put jar back on scale. Reading slightly off. Daughter said précised mak. 

 

Couldn’t get the precise measurement. Because the reading kept changing to its  whims and fancy. 

 

After a few more attempts, the scale refused to give anymore reading. 

 

By now I was  beginning to feel stressed. I could not proceed nor could I abandoned the jar. All the while I was online with daughter. She could sensed the change in my mood.

 

Husband came down, tried to rectify by removing the battery and fixing it back on. Immediately it read 8888. Battery dead, said husband.

 

I left the jar and all the flour on the table. Went up to my room and slept. I needed to ease the tensed muscles and mind.

 

Today had been a roller coaster of endless sleep, only to wake up to perform my prayers and back to sleep.

 

It’s almost 12 midnight now. I have been up about 2 hours now. Went to apologise to my daughter. Sob ! Broke down and cried. 

 

Attempted a video  call to birthday son but I think he must be asleep. He posted a video of a small birthday cake ordered by his sweet wife and delivered to his house, about 365 km away. So sad. He is all by himself down south.  Hang in there son. Insha Allah we will all meet again soon. 

 

 

16.7.2021

 

He is 40 today!

 

My first born is 40 today! How time flies! I remember going up the stage on my graduation day with him in my belly. We graduated together! 

 

Being first born and being first time parents, it had been a learning experience all the way. A learning curve. Yes, of course , the motherly instinct does come naturally with childbirth but the parenting skills needed to be reviewed as we go through the journey. No one goes into parenting knowing exactly how to handle everything that is thrown at them.

 

Mistakes I have made as a mother and a parent. I wish I could turn  back the clock and realign those actions . But I know it cannot be so. 

 

Yes, I have many regrets. 

 

I started my career about a few months before he was born. It was tough trying to balance between 2 new jobs at the same time. But I tried my best to be a good  mother, a good wife and a good worker. In those days, it was not an option to quit my job to raise a family. I was the first in my family to have graduated from a university. I wanted to  make my parents proud of my achievement, I wanted to earn in order to provide whatever I can. Its pay back time . That was my mindset . 

 

So, dear son. Happy 40^th Birthday to You! 

 

Never forget that we love you  . Believe in yourself as much as we believe in you.

When life tries to knock you down, These OLD BEARS will always have your back.

We can’t promise to here for the rest of your life BUT WE CAN PROMISE TO LOVE YOU FOR THE REST OF OURS…..

 

The day you were born was the happiest day of my life. I love you. 

 14.7.2021

 

1/5

 

Pagi ni perjalanan lancar dari rumah ke hospital untuk temujanji. Tak ada sekatan jalan raya pun.  Satu dari 5 unit/department yang memang perlu dikunjungi dalam masa setahun.Ini adalah satu satunya unit yang tidak diubah tarikh, masih kekal .Yang lainya dah dianjak ke tarikh 3 bulan dari tarikh asal. 

 

Pagi ni terasa agak cuak untuk ke sana. Memandangkan keadaan wabak yang sudah tidak dapat dikawal lagi, terutamanya di negeri Selangor. Setiap kali pergi ke temujanji dihospital, bila pulang mestinya badan tidak rasa selesa. Ada kalanya demam. Agaknya pelbagai kuman yang hinggap dan melekat pada badan! Bertambahlah keresahan dalam keadaan semasa. 

 

Seperti biasa selepas dilakukan mamogram, tunggu untuk diultra sound scan pulak. Sesudah itu, tunggu untuk temujanji dengan  konsultan pulak. Temujanji jam 8.30 pagi. Proses selesai jam 10 pagi.

 

5 cm besarnya disebelah kanan dan 0.3 cm di sebelah kiri. Belum selesai lagi proses temujanji ni. Harus buat follow up di klinik surgeri pulak. Sepatutnya tarikh follow-up pada 21.7 nanti tetapi dapat mesej dari klinik tersebut, tarikh dah ditunda ke bulan 5 2022. Jadi sehingga tarikh itu, didoakan saiznya kekal seperti semasa.

 

Wahai Allah yang maha mengecilkan benda yang besar dan maha membesarkan benda yang kecil, kecilkanlah pada dia. Ya Allah wahai yang paling mengasihani daripada segala yang mengasihani….”

 

Aamiin yarabalamiin…

 

14.7.2021

Hanya Allah lah sahaja yang mengetahui masa dan ketika kita  dikembalikan kepada NYA. 

Pagi ini dikejutkan dengan berita pemergian salah seorang rakan sekerja . Seorang insan yang tidak lekang memberikan senyuman dan tidak penat menghulurkan bantuan kepada sahabat-sahabat sekerjanya. 

Innalillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un, wa inna ila rabbina lamunqalibun, allahummaktubhu 'indaka fil muhsinin, waj'al kitabahu fi 'illiyyiin, wakhlufhu fi ahlihi fil ghabirin, wa la tahrimnaa ajrahu wala taftinna ba'dahu.

"Sesungguhnya kami milik Allah dan kepada-Nya lah kami kembali. Dan sesungguhnya kepada Tuhan kamilah kami kembali. Ya Allah, tuliskanlah ia di sisi-Mu termasuk golongan orang-orang yang baik. Jadikanlah catatannya di 'illiyyin. Gantilah ia di keluarganya dari orang-orang yang menginggalkan. Janganlah Engkau haramkan bagi kami pahalanya dan janganlah Engkau beri fitnah kepada kami sesudahnya."

Allaahummaghfir laha warham ha wa’aafi ha wa’fu anha wa akrim nuzula ha wa wassi’ madkhola ha waghsil ha bil maa-i wats-tsalji wal barodi wa naqqi ha minal khothooyaa kamaa yunaqqots tsaubul abyadlu minad danasi wa abdil ha daaron khoiron min daari ha wa ahlan khoiron min ahli ha wazaujan khoiron min zaoji ha wa adkhil hal jannata wa ‘aidz ha min ‘adzaabil qobri wafitnati hi wa min ‘adzaabin naar.

"Yaa Allah, ampunilah, rahmatilah, bebaskanlah dan lepaskanlah dia. Dan muliakanlah tempat tinggalnya, luaskanlah dia. Dan muliakanlah tempat tinggalnya, luaskanlah jalan masuknya, cucilah dia dengan air yang jernih lagi sejuk, dan bersihkanlah dia dari segala kesalahan bagaikan baju putih yang bersih dari kotoran, dan gantilan rumahnya dengan rumah yang lebih baik daripada yang ditinggalkannya, dan keluarga yang lebih baik, dari yang ditinggalkan, serta suami yang lebih baik dari yang ditinggalkannya pula. Masukkanlah dia ke dalam surga, dan lindungilah dari siksanya kubur serta fitnah nya, dan dari siksa api neraka."

 

12.7.2021

 

The final topping

 

After almost 5 years of intense study and research,  today marks the climax of the whole journey for my DIL . She is finally sitting for her finals.. her viva or final chapter of examination. I pray to Allah swt that she will keep her cool and calm throughout this examination with her  external examiner. 

 

 My prayers for you dear Shazerinna .

 

Wishing you an ocean of Good Luck and Success in your upcoming exams. May Allah swt be with you and make it easy for you Inshaa Allah. . I know great success shall be yours at the end of the day.

 

Update : 6.30 pm ( Malaysian Time)

 

Congratulations dear Dr Shazerinna !

9.7.2021

 

Kucing kelaparan bercakaran.

 

Itu la awak semua. Dulu masa nak masuk meminang semuanya beres! Cantik belaka… dah tak fikir panjang dah. Janji dapat.

 

Bila dah dapat, kenyang habis! Dah tak ingat dunia. Dunia ni awak yang punya. Laa .. apa dah jadi? Yang dok selak selama ni tak nampak pun kudisnya. Kentut pun wangi

 

Awat? Apa lagi yang hang tak dapat? Tak kenyang? Lapaq balik ka? Dah tak berselera dah. Dulu, dapat betis pun dah ok dah. Laa ni betis dah berkudis, nak merasa paha pulak la ya. 

 

Nampak sangat keikhlasan hangpa noh. Elok sangat . Sabaq la dulu. Selesai dulu yang dah nazak ni. Ramai dok pakat terjun. Dah tak pikiaq panjang. Sabaq.. kalau dah rezeki hang pa, esok lusa menggolek mai juga. 

 

Self – centred. Egocentric, egotistical,egomaniacal. 

Perasan hebat. 

 

Hangpa dok kelaparan, bercakaran tak sudah sudah. Tak kena gaya, tak kena masa. Geram betoi.

The never ending merry go round

 2.7.2021

 

The never ending merry go round

 

Yes, its on again! This time it’s a total lockdown ( so they say ) for the state. Almost all districts in the state have been identified as red zone areas. The rest of the country can now finally give a sigh of relief that theirs are over. Well. Not quite, but at least a breather would be good for the mind and body.

 

Yes, it is. I have never had this anxiety attack for many years now. The last time was when I was wheeled  into that MRI  machine in 2014. That was how long ago it was. The attack is making a comeback. Just reading the list of the don’ts  for the next 2 weeks is enough to trigger that feeling of  being in an enclosed space, lacking that feel of being in control of things.. it’s not exactly claustrophobia nor cleithtrophobia  but the symptoms are almost similar. Now just the thought of not  be able to take a walk outside the house is already giving me increased palpitations.  

 

This merry go round has been going on far too long. People are exhausted

and tired and angry. People are losing their jobs, kids are missing their education and friends  at school, parents are struggling to make ends meet. People are angry that the root cause of these spikes in certain clusters are reported but not enough is done to contain the spread. And we the normal law abiding folks are staying at home, abiding by the all the rules and regulations imposed. Not going out, having the mask on at all times, social distancing, no home visits and so on. And yet , we hear of certain sections of the population getting away with a lot of things. Just visit any of those social media apps and  read the amount of angry messages being lashed out against the authorities. 

 

Can you blame them?

 

The latest statistics by the Ministry of Health  on the suicide cases is quite alarming. 336 cases in just three months, an average of four suicide cases a day in the first three months of 2021. There were 631 suicide cases in 2020.  I pray that the numbers will not spike . Many Samaritans (individuals and groups) are reaching out to those in need. Help in the form of foods and other essentials are being distributed to those in need. 

 

And the need to help in registering folks especially in the rural areas  to get vaccinated is also  intensified by individuals and groups. Herd immunity need to be established soon.

 

 Allah ‘s greatest gift to the human kind is the aql. Use it. Allah says in the Quran use your aql to find solutions to a certain problem and at the same time don’t forget to ask Him for help. Prayers and effort must go hand in hand.

 

I hope this time around everyone will be more serious in playing their roles to help  combat this phenomena. 

 

Please, let us together see the end of this merry go round. Insha Allah.  

An Eventful 24 hours

 30.6.2021

 

An eventful 24 hours

 

As usual, from as early as 1 am I was already wide awake. Doesn’t matter if I had a early night or a late night . It’s a routine that is difficult to overcome. 

 

After my normal routine, at about 4 am the phone rang. I was expecting it to be a call from son in Cardiff but instead it was my daughter , she sounded weak on the phone. She whispered she was not well. She had her first dose of vaccination on the afternoon of 29.6.2021. This must be the effects of the jab.  So I immediately went to her room. She was on the bed, body shaking rigorously. Her body was burning . Her body temperature was 39.9C. I immediately went down to the freezer to fetch ice packs. Gave her two paracetamol soluble and continued to sponge her down. After a while the temperature dipped to 38 C. She managed to tell me she woke up at about 1 am with a high body temperature. She was  not able to move her limbs  . She struggled to make the call at 4 am after much effort. She thought her hours are numbered. 

 

Soon after my suboh prayers, I fell asleep from exhaustion. Woke up to go to the nearest bank. My debit card was one day to its expiry date. I needed to get it renew.

 

Those days where your new cards get delivered to your doorsteps are over. You want to have new cards, you come get it yourself. They are no longer obliged to serve until the doorstep. So off to the bank. There was once a branch close to home, about 300 m from home. But it was closed down about 2 years ago, before the pandemics. To say that it lacked customers is not true at all. The branch was always packed with customers. So now the nearest branch is at the main wet market ( The KL Pasar Borong). Don’t like to go there. The area is so congested with vehicles. It was supposed to be a way traffic but no one gives a hoot. The shops fronts are constantly littered with betel leaves spit, papers and rubbish scattered as they fancy and of course the lingering stench completes the picture A lot of foreigners manning the various shop lots.  Sandwiched In between these wild disarray  are a few banks and telco shops. 

 

It was a long queue outside the bank . I was person number 12 . The rate of entrance was very slow. About 2 person at every 10 minutes or so. After almost an hour I was at the front of the queue . Still no sign of going in. There were a few individuals who managed to get in straight away. Positive thoughts.. Must be of upmost importance that needed immediate attention. But by then I was tired from all that standing. Decided to voice out to the guard. 

 

Dik.. Makcik warga emas. Dah tak tahan berdiri ni. So right after that he offered his chair next to the entrance door. I sat for about 10 minutes or so . Then I was told to go in . The bank officer in charge exclaimed. But you are not warga emas. I replied --- But I am. Just look at my ID . I am 64. That’s warga emas! You look so young. That’s a compliment, thank you.

 

I was given a number. Went up to wait. Only 3 officers in attendance because  only 3 of the 8 counters were opened. It was quite a long wait. The whole session at the bank lasted for about a 2 hours.

 

Just as I thought all was well for the remaining hours of the day. It was not to be. Immediately as soon as I entered the car, husband was silent in thoughts. Eventually he  showed a message and asked me to read. Not too good. One of the  surau’s regular‘s wife was diagnosed with the covid virus. The not too  happy news to hear was that he was aware his wife was not well for the past 2 days. She went to the clinic the day before to take her swab test. The fact of the matter was he was aware his wife was not well and that maybe  he too could be infected, and yet he still came to the surau. And they had a small round table discussion on the same day he took his wife to the clinic. 

Hmm.. husband was upset he could be carrying the virus and has brought them home to me and daughter. But alas, there is nothing much that can be done. To isolate  in separate rooms? But husband was in contact since the last 3 days or so. Will it make any difference now?  If its there its there. Will isolating oneself after 3 continuous days in contact make any different? I have no answer to that. Will just have to wait and see. Will have to wait and see whether the husband is himself  also infected. Apparently he and all members of the family have received instructions by the health authorities to stay put and not leave the house. 

 

And I do hope he does that, for everyone else's sake.