1 September 

Its that time of the year once again. This is the 41st year. We have both come along way.  It has been quite a journey.  A roller coaster ride at times.  There were times when everything was good.There were stressful moments too. For better or for the worst, that is marriage. The ‘they live happily ever after ‘is a myth.  As we age, not only our body ungoes physical changes but the mental and physiology faculty also goes through a period of changes. 

Personally,  I think a relationship between a married couple  has many phases. The ‘just got married ‘phase where the partners are getting to know each other.  Adjusting to sharing one’s private space is sometimes  overwhelming. The habits that one’s partner has may sometimes clash with that of yours. You may be a sucker for everything tidy and so in place but your partner thinks that leaving a heap of his soiled clothes in the middle of the bedroom  floor is normal to him. What do you do but to pick them up and put them In the laundary basket. You do that several times with the hope that he gets the message. But sometimes the message gets misinterpretated! And he thinks you are there to clean up his mess , always. Yes, on may say this is so trivial. But lots of trivial things can become a big deal, eventually. ( by the way, is this one of the reasons why couples go for pre mariage live in?  So that they can opt out if they realise that they cannot cope with the stark differences and preferences, I wonder )

And  then we come to  the next phase , the acceptance phase .This is  like finally moving  into the comfort zone phase. Well, things are  looking ok . The ‘adapt and adopt’ stage and whatever feelings of intolerance has finally being  ironed out and minimised. The tolerance level is at a sustainable level!  More positivities towards the negativities!!  We are now at the stage where  “ we complete each other, we complement the other” . 

Finally, after that initial stage of readjustment, it is now  the settling down to routine phase where we start thinking that everything is going to be just fine. That we have thrashed out and accepted our differences and it is going to be live happily ever after’. 

So, that what was I thought but no. There was more to come. The blissful years can end rather abruptly. Bam ! Pow!  Wow! Before you know it, what happened?   Why was I not aware of it? What went wrong? The first person to blame would be oneself. So , what did I not do right? have I not been giving my full attention to this marriage all these while? Have I not cooked, cleaned, kept the family together despite my equally heavy schedule at the workplace? Ya, I must admit I had my cheat days, days when I was too lazy to do much. Days when all I wanted to do was have extra me times, my space. My space to rejunevate. and looking back, there were no complains about this from yours truly! I thought he was fine with it! 

Apparently, this is quite normal. Experts in the marriage and relationship think that couples do go through changes in the relationship. What attracted you in your 20s might not necessarily be the same in your 30s, 40s or 50s,"  wrote one expert on Marriage and Relationship . Couples' needs might change or the way they look at each other might have altered. Yes , there is the  7th year itch, then later 11 th year itch says the marriage counsellor !  Back in those early days, I was warned  about this phenomena. This  supposedly is  the traditional tipping point when great relationships start to cool. But now it seems passing this difficult milestone is no longer a guarantee of perpetual wedded bliss. Some couples survived the 7th year itch but by the 11th year , quite a number only to go their separate ways.  Apparently too, quite a number of artists do show this kind of phenomenon. For example, Cruise and Nicole Kidman seperated during the 11th year  of marriage! Traditionally the 11th-year wedding anniversary is symbolised by steel, to represent the strength and durability of the union. But it seems like 11 years might be the time that marriage steel can start to rust. Over a decade they might have had children, dealt with illness and experienced loss . Change can make a marriage stronger or leave it very vulnerable.

Turning 40 can be a trauma for a lot of people. It's a time when they're not young and they're not old and they're looking back over life and to the future wondering 'Is this it?'

There are studies that indicate turning  40  is also the time when hormone levels change in males and females. Men's testosterone levels go down, they lose the drive, ambition and singlemindedness that characterised their 20s and 30s and start to become more in touch with their feelings, looking for comfort and wondering what they really want from life.

So, the statement lfe starts at 40  does has  its truth then?  I recall  when my husband was nearing  the number 40, he did mention to me about Muslim man at 40.  This is the point or a crossroad where either he takes the road to  become a better muslim man ( i.e become a frequent worshipper at the masjid/surau ) or he  takes the turn that will focuses on  worldly  pleasures etc! So, at this age, men do take stock of their lifes, reflecting on what has and what has not happen. Perhaps a turning stone for some .  A  change in career, taking up new hobbies , looking for alternative love etc? Do all men go through this phase ? 

Unfortunately, just as the men are looking inward and yearning for love and attention, hormonally charged women in their 40s are deciding its time they focused on themselves for a change. As women approach the menopause their oestrogen levels drop and their soft, nurturing side starts to cool. They decide they're not going to put up with the same crap and often decide to find themselves by going back to school or back into work. Oh yes, I did go back to school, to the Univerity that is.I signed up for a Masters in Education Management  at the age of  47! And that point I was going through some stressful moments at school .  I wanted a diversion from it all! And it was  most thereaputic indeed! 

And for couples in an unhappy marriage, 11 years marks the make or break point.!! ( from an article that I read ) But unfortunately, I have not seen statistics on this ! Apparently,  most couples stuck it out.  Couples often stay together either for the sake of the children or because they haven't found the courage to leave.

"There are complications to 'uncoupling' especially if there are children and shared property, but there's also a fear of being alone. I find that couples who decide to stay together, even though they are not 100pc happy, are those who say 'well we love each other' even though they don't get along. For these couples I think that love is a convenient excuse because they are really afraid of being alone." (Susan Elliot, author of Getting Past Your Breakup: How To Turn A Devastating Loss Into The Best Thing That Ever Happened To You). She went on to explain that at about 10 years of marriage ( the milestone ) most people stop and do an assessment of how things are.  If the marriage is not what it is , its either time to commit to fixing whatever that needs to fix or accepting it as it is, or leave. Many people choose to leave, others choose to go to counselling and quite a number  choose to stay with the status quo rather than face an uncertain future.

So what is the best remedy to fix things ? Any manual or module about marriage that one can refer to? On a personal experience, I think one of the thing that I  should have done more effectively was communication!  Communicating my true feelings , my likes and dislikes about  the journey that  both my husband and I are on board. So the non verbal vs the verbal communication! Sometimes its best to shut up and not make a fuss. Because sometimes making a fuss will  give rise to more stressful moments. So you learn to shut up. But when i took the steps to open up and talk, which we did. Of course it was not a smooth one. All the bottled up emotions finally reared its  ugly heads ! Yes, it was heated initially. He had his say, I had mine.  But because we still cared about saving the marriage, we make adjustments. And we still are , 41 years down the road! 

And so the taking things for granted is a definite no no. Not communicating  about how one feels at any one stage / phase in a relationship is one big trouble! Silence is definetely not golden in this case!  One thing that I learnt throughout this whole episode is that no matter how trivial things are or matters are, say it out loud. Let the partner know how you feel for a particular episode or event. Dont let him assume things and interprete wrongly. That to me is the essence of a strong relationship. Talking your feelings! It may not be easy but it need to be done!

So, going down the road, I must say I have learned to realign when things do not look too good. I have learned to  compromise , a lot of give and take..maybe more on the woman’s part. But if it meant keeping the other half happy and contented, why not?

I remember a colleague mentioned this particular phrase “ marriage is a compromise” Yes, you don’t  get things your way all the time . Neither does your partner. But  you do get them sometimes . And sometimes, most of the times!! The powerof negotiating !!

One must remember, there is no  training module  before marriage. Of course in Islam,before marriage  ( not  during our time though) both partners attend a short course on marriage . I am not sure what are the  contents of the course. But I am sure it  is comprehensive . But having said that, the rate of divorce amongst the young  muslim couples is quite high in Malaysia.

 For the record , the official  number of Muslim divorces recorded in 2018 was 40,269,  an increased of  1.4 per cent as compared to 39,709 (2017). CDR remained at 2.0 per 1,000 Muslim population.  On the contrary, Non-Muslim divorces declined 4.9 per cent from 10,605 (2017) to 10,087 (2018). Therefore, CDR for Non-Muslim improved slightly from 0.9 (2017) to 0.8 (2018).(Department of Statistics, Malaysia, 2019)

And the median age for male divorcee is 37 and that of the female is 34!!  Cheating on their spouses and in-laws getting involved in marriages are among the main reasons behind divorce cases involving young couples, the Dewan Rakyat was told in 2018.

 And for the reasons of divorce, for women, more than one third of them said it was due to a lack of understanding, followed by cheating husbands and husbands not being responsible in their marriages.

 

As for the men, more than half claimed their divorces were due to a lack of understanding. This is followed by the wife’s in-laws involvement in the marriage and cheating wives,”  (cited by the Women, Family and Community Development Deputy Minister Hannah Yeoh , 2018)

To help resolve some of these marital issues, the Deputy Minister  mentioned initiatives by the Ministry to help couples, among other things,  a  pre marriage programe , the Smart Start Premarital Programme  Programme for couples planning to get married to provide knowledge and skills on the various aspects of marriage and parenting.

Another programme offered by the National Population and Family Development Board (Lembaga Penduduk dan Pembangunan Keluarga Negara, or LPPKN) is the SmartStart Second Honeymoon, that aims to enhance marriage for couples who have been married over five years. Alas, this deputy lost her post after 22 months, due to a coup d’etat of  the goverment early this year! So far no words from the present back door goverment  whether  such programs were still  in the pipeline. What a shame. It is a good initiative and personally, anything good  that benefits the people should be  allowed to carry on. After all, whoever governs, they are still Malaysians. And  all Malaysians should look out for all Malaysians regardless of their personal ideology! 

Oh well, at the end of the day , let’s be honest with ourselves. Is there a perfect marriage?  Can any couple claim they have never had a difference in opinion,never had a quarell or heated exchange of words between themselves sometime throughout their journy? In all their years of marriage? 

There is a quotation that I read sometime ago  about what is a perfect marriage. It says:

The perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other!  How true is that ? 

There is a malay proverb..alangkah lidah lagi tergigit, ini kan pula suami isteri..Literal translation  referring to the tongue  that is in our mouth, that we do sometimes accidently bit it. What more between husband and wife who live under one roof! 

So my doas for the remaining years of my journey..

Oh Allah, let our marriage be a way for us and our families to enter Jannah. Allah, protect our marriage from the whispering of Shaytaan. Allah, let our marriage bring untold blessings to us individually, to our families and our children.

Oh Allah, bless our marriage and let it be a means for us to become closer to You in love and devotion. Oh Allah, may this marriage strengthens our Imaan.Bless us with faith and love in this world and hereafter.Unite us and our families in love and faith with your mercy.

O Allah, let our marriage become a beautiful example for others. Bless us with the strength to forgive each other’s shortcomings. Give us the strength to live together in justice, equity, love and mercy.

Allah, let our marriage bring untold blessings to us individually, to our families and our children.

Aameen Ya Rabb