28.1.2022

 

Rempah Ratus Hidup Suami Isteri  ( part one)

 

Asslm. Yg mulia ustazah,, kami kaum wanita tidak gemar dgn syarahan n tazkirah ustzah yg slalu memihak pd kaum muslimin,,,apa spatut seorang lelaki,, bapa, suami yg digelarnya,,, iya benar,, kene  patuh segala2 nya yg di gelar SUAMI, —- tahu kah ustzah,, kalau SUAMI,, yg

1- CUrang dgn istri, 

2- Yg berseronok dgn wanita2 di luar sana, tanpa istri tahu

3- Kedekut dgn ank2, idtri

4- Yg suka cari kesalahan istri

5- Yg tk sika berbual mesra dgn kluarga di rumah

6- Bila balik rumah tjk muka masam n serius

7- Smua kene dgr ckp nya, baik benar atau tidak

8- Yg panas baran

9- Bila makan kluar sorang2 atau cari kawan2 di luar

10- Bila fi rumah main h fon tk kira masa,, tk tahu bilamasa tidur mlm nya,,

 

Hrp Ustazah peka n kene tahu sebab nya perangai SUAMI yg mbuatkan istri Derhaka dn kene rejam  ke neraka jahanam.

 

(Copy and paste , no editing done on her original message. As is)

 

How true! Found this messge written by someone I know. I am not close to her but this message of hers is spot on!

 

Yes.. kantoi.. the reason given is ‘it was just a glitch! And what happen if the wife never found out ? Will it forever be a glitch? How convenient to have such an excuse ya?

 

I read it out loud! And then I smiled and gave a small laugh! Yours truly was curious why I did so. I replied..so typical of all menfolk!

He mumbled an answer! Not too convincing really.

 

This is reality.Not for all. But for most of us womenfolk,  married in late years… this is the reality of things.

 

Can’t have enough of one partner!  Must reinforce their egos in this late stage of their life with  extra marital affairs. They don’t consider it an affair but just a passing stage in their life.Hmmm.. can’t be more true than that ya. 

 

What an excuse!

 

I wonder what her husband has to say to this message that she wrote for al to read. Yours truly thinks its just a general message. 

 

You think so? There is a malay proverb that says,’ Kalau tak ada ribut, tak kan pokok akan bergoyang”

 

If there is strong winds/storm, usaually the trees would not be swaying ferociously!! 

 

And it still haunts….

 

30.1.2022

 

Rempah Ratus Hidup Suami Isteri  ( Bahagian ke2)

 

All too often generally a marriage goes through many phases.

The seven  year itch, the mid life crisis are two common phenomena that I hear of and aware of since my early years of marriage in the early 1908s. 

 

Back then in the early 1980s , accesibility to articles like relationships and marriages were commonly accesible through books.Maybe there were  articles posted online but those were the early days of the digital era.The google search engine was established in 1998. It wasn't until the late 1980s that the Internet became searchable.

 

The 7 year itch is often viewed as a critical juncture,  a time when couples re-evaluate: They either realize that their relationship isn't working, or they feel deeply satisfied and committed to their relationship.

 

From my own experience, I think the first two years was also quite crucial in establishing a partnership, the adaptation period to understand your partner’s habits, the quirky ,the tolerable and the not so.. Everything before marriage was almost too good to be true! The truth unveals as we sailed into the relationship! Thus the 7 year itch is a number that can happen a lot earlier than commonly established. Perhaps my 2^nd year was my itch! 

 

The mid life crisis is said to be a period of psychological stress occurring in middle age, thought to be triggered by a physical, occupational, or domestic event, as menopause, diminution of physical prowess, job loss, or departure of children from the home.The menfolk in my culture used to say that turning 40 was a juncture that would determine whether they take the left or the right turn in their journey forward. In those days , establishing one’s career was top priority,besides the family of course.Most of the time, the daily solah were done at home.Myhusband used to say, 40 is the age, the turning point  where either he continued to be as he was or he would now be performing his prayers at the masjid or surau. I don’t know how widely this is practise amongst the menfolk!

 

Dr. Susan Campbell, a best-selling author and relationship expert listed five distinct stages to a relationship. https://citinewsroom.com/2020/01/how-to-survive-all-5-stages-of-marriage/

 

• I may not fully agree with what she has written but there are certain  elements in all the stages mentioned that I agree and could relate to. Nothing is black and white. To me, marriages and relationship is a compromise. You don’t get things your way all the time. There is a malay proverb ‘ sedangkan lidah lagi tergigit, ini kan suami isteri’.(Marriage isn't all moonlight and roses. It can be hard work keeping a relationship together.)

 

 

Let’s run through the 5 stages. 

 

1.Honeymoon stage. 

 

The honeymoon stage can last up to two years, at which point, the overwhelming feelings of love and happiness begin to fade.

During the honeymoon phase, everything is fresh, new, and exciting. You may not realize your partner’s flaws or you can tolerate them because of the love you have. 

 

 

2.Power struggle stage. 

 

As the honeymoon stage ends, the power struggle stage begins. Your life as a couple gets hard in this stage. The monotony of marriage becomes felt. It’s when your or your spouse’s dreams aren’t turning out as expected. Your expectations of what it means to be in a relationship (i.e. happily ever after, always and forever, without any effort) finally becomes seen as unrealistic.

During this stage, you may feel distant from your partner. You may feel like your partner is different than the person you married. However, you actually are still just learning about each other and each of your emotional needs. It may seem like you really knew each other when you got married, but in reality, this is just part of the learning process of this stage.

 

3.Doubt and Denial, 

 

This is when we finally start to actually notice the differences between us and our partners. We wake up from the trance of infatuation with a thump, finding that the same qualities that once seemed so perfect have begun to annoy us. (His reliability now feels rigid; her generosity seems irresponsible; their adventurous nature feels like unnecessary risk.)

And unfortunately, friction is natural once we run up against each other's differences. Power struggles increase, and we marvel at the change in our partner. Feelings of love mix with alienation and irritation. Perhaps we're not "perfect" for each other after all.

As our disappointment escalates, so do our biological responses to stress. Depending on our personality and circumstances, we may want to fight or to withdraw. For example, you may feel the need to fight to defend your values, which may actually translate into the desire to have everything your own way. It makes little sense to expect another person to be just like we are, and yet, at some level, many of us do tend to ask, "Why aren't you like me?"

At this point, the skills of conflict management are essential. 

 

I think this is the stage where most couples just gave up on each other. The tolerance level is at its lowest.

 

4.Stability stage.  

 

In this stage, you accept your partner as a unique individual. Rather than wishing for your partner to change, by now you’ve learned to respect your partner. You’ve figured out how to resolve differences and you each have established roles.

This stage brings peace and stability, but with that comes routine and set roles. This can be boring for some. Growth requires risk and ongoing learning. Being too comfortable in the routine of this stage means your marriage does not grow.

 

5.Commitment Stage.

 

By this stage, you have recognised there is no ideal partner nor ideal relationship. In this stage, you choose to commit to the individual you married. You both have learned how to communicate and continue to do so. You can freely share the good and the bad with each other, trusting your commitment to support you.

It’s common in the commitment stage to realize you love your spouse, but you may not like them at all times. We are all human and not perfect. Love can look beyond imperfection.

 

After 42 years, I think I can identify myself at stage 5! I totally agree with the final statement of stage 5.celebrate the uniqueness of our partner. Give thanks to Allah that we have this oppurtunity to celebrate each other in this twilight years. 

 

 Que Sera Sera….