My journey ( Part three) My Marriage
I was still a student at the University when I tied the knot. 1 September 1979.That was at the end of my third year going into my final year. I got engaged in April of the same year. Two weeks after my marriage, my husband left for the UK to continue with his master’s degree in Geophysics at the Imperial College, University of London. On record, that was his second Masters’ degree, the first being at Belgium. He went to Belgium in 1978 and came back late in December of the same year. He had to do his second master’s for reasons tied up to the requirements imposed by the university authority.
Telling friends, colleagues and students on how I met my husband has always being one of my favorite moments. I first realized his presence when I used to go the library in the evening. We would go in a group, me and a few of my friends. My favorite spot was the first table on the split level, second floor of the main library or nicknamed the sandwich floor. I noticed a student who was always dressed in blue jeans with purple baju Melayu as his favorite attire. He would sit there for hours immersed in his studies, without even lifting his head to look around. Very much unlike us, a bunch of first year students with very short attention span. For every 15 minutes or so, we would soon be engaged in small talks or taking walks round tables, saying hello to other fellow students.
During my first year in the science faculty, I signed up for the subject geology as my third option. He was then in his final year as an Honors student at the Geology department. And for most of the final year students, they were assigned as tutors for the first-year students’ practical classes. Thus, that was also another close encounter with him during every practical period!.
Don’t ask me why, but I knew, my gut instinct that this guy is going to be someone significant in my life. They say you just know when you have met the right guy, your soon to be my life partner! Well that was it. Initially I was not too keen on pursuing because to be frank, I just broke up with my first ever boyfriend (for a year only) during my pre-U year. It was tough, ego bruised and all that. So, when one of my colleagues approached and mentioned that he too was keen to know me, my initial reaction was to kind of keep cool. But not for long. I decided I wanted to know him and before long he graduated, he left for Belgium, we corresponded and when he came back, on the last night of December 1978, he brought out a ring that he bought from Belgium. It was a small blue diamond (one of the rarest I have been told). I suppose that was a kind of I like you ring, let’s get serious. I wore the ring until one day, the stone fell off. I had wanted to pass it to my first son (as a family loom) but alas it was not meant to be. There was no way I could find the stone because it was so small in size.
My trip back to Kampung Jawa, Lenga, Muar was accompanied by my grand aunt, Tok Nah, my late maternal grandmother’s sister. There was no entourage from my husband’s side to accompany us. That was supposed to be the norm in a Malay wedding. The bridegroom’s family would normally come to the bride’s house and formally accompany the newly wedded couple to the home of the groom. I suppose our adats (traditions) did differ slightly. His family being of the Javanese descendents. Really, it was not a big thing, because those are all traditions and practices common to closed communities! We were greeted with the traditional bersilat. I was still in my red songket. Apparently, they overlooked that part of getting a new set of attire for the trip home. No big deal for me. And it rained too in Kampung Jawa. Old folks said it was a good sign for us. Murah rezeki (a sign of good fortune) they said. Alhamdullilah. Allah knows best for his humble servants. There was quite a group from my family who accompanied us to Lenga. It was first encounter in traditions and rituals for us. That night, my brother in law and his kampung mates held the Marhaban. My mother in law gave me a bracelet of intan stones. I don’t know what happened to it. Either it was stolen or misplaced or was it returned to its giver? And my father gave my husband a watch as a welcome to the family gift and I wonder too whatever happened to it? Well, it was so long ago.
So, setting up our own home was slightly delayed due to the fact that my husband left for the UK, the 2nd week of September 1979. So, I stayed with my parents at The Federal Hill. But as soon as the exams was over, I left to join him in London. I arrived on the 18th November 1979, that was on his birthday. I remember the Immigration Officer at the Heathrow airport quizzing me on that date, not realizing that they all have records of all people who walked through their airport doors. So, it was sweet reunion! We stayed for a while at the Lilian Pension Hall. His roommate, an Iraq medical doctor was kind enough to let us use the room for a few days. Then we managed to rent a room in an apartment somewhere near the Marlborough street, quite close to the Oxford Street. On those days when dear husband had to attend classes and all that, I would venture out on my own, to the Oxford Street, window browsing, sometimes to cross the Hyde Park to Imperial College, stopping by the lake Serpentine to watch the swans swim in the lake. Lunch would always be tomato and cheese sandwiches bought from the Marks and Spencer’s outlet in Oxford Street. Dinner would be homecooked food. On his off days, we would squeeze in visits to the Botanical Gardens, to the famous Greenwich Village and a few other interesting places within range. Back then, there were many Malaysians pursuing their master’s and PhD degrees. So, it was one big happy family in the Big Ben city!
Our first home as a couple and family was in a terrace house in Section 14, Petaling Jaya. We were a threesome. I had my first child, Amir Iswadi in 1981, the same year that I graduated. I was about 7 months’ pregnant when I went up to receive my scroll. We stayed there until we managed to get the University apartment at Lorong Jambatan near to the Brickfields area. Our second child, Siti Nur Aisyah was born in 1984 when we were already in Lorong Jambatan. By that time my husband was already making plans to continue with his PhD, a mandatory requirement for the post that he was given at the University. So before moving once again to the UK, he decided to invest in our own house. So, we bought a terrace end lot (our present house) for a total cost of 130,000RM. It did not take us long to decide on the house. We saw and we knew that this was going to be our home. Being a young couple and just starting work, we did not have the cash to advance as deposit. This was the common practice in Malaysia. Pay upfront about 10% of the total cost as deposit. Then put in the application for the government loan. The eligibility amount for the government servants of my husband’s category was about 130k. So once, we got the approval, the deposit was reimbursed to his niece, who loaned the initial deposit money. We did not stay long in that house because in 1986, he was offered a place at the Durham University to do a PhD in Geophysics. He left for the UK in September 1986. I later joined him as soon as the school holidays began in December of 1986. With two young children in tow, it was a challenge to travel alone. But Alhamdullilah my two children slept well during the 20 hours journey. We arrived in London safe and sound. I cannot recall how we travelled to Durham. But I think it was by train. We managed to put up at Mak wa’s house, a Malaysian married to a Mat Salleh, Richard Simmons. It was a short stay because we were then given the University quarters at 18, Kepier court. I became friend with another Malaysian family, who was there earlier than us. She was also with young children. Her husband was also pursuing his PhD for another University in Kuala Lumpur.
So, that was the start of our 4 and half year stay in Durham county, North of England. From the year 1998 (December) to 1991 (April). My third child Atif Ismail was born in 1987. This is the first child that my husband had the experience of being at my bedside during labor, a totally new experience altogether for him. And it is a story that he will repeatedly tell those who had to listen him tell!
And those 4 and half years were precious years! I enjoyed being a full-time housewife, a lady of leisure I would say. Just being there for the children, for the husband. Those were happy days. My children had the experience of schooling at the Gilegates Infant and Junior School. They had friends, global friends, from Iraq, Iran, the Palestine, Saudi Arabia and the local Durham children. They picked up the English language very quickly and soon they were communicating in Geordie English to one another!
In those days, the only form of communication to faraway home was through the snail mail. Phone calls very expensive to make. I managed to make only once to speak to my parents. There were no smart phones. In the year that my son was born, my husband bought air tickets to enable my two sisters to come to the Durham, so as to be around during my confinement period. Sis Wan Azizah and Wan Zahidah travelled together to London, then they took a bus to Durham. But sister Azizah had to leave early due to other commitments back home. Sister Zahidah stayed on until after my confinement. Because of my condition, we the sisters could not travel far. So, it was short day trips to nearby areas, to Newcastle. My husband was not able to spare much time to get away from his studies, so it was up to me to take them to visit some of the places. Travelling with him will only happen during the weekends. And just to add to this, round about this time too, my uncle was coming to work in London as the Education Officer. His wife, my mother’s youngest sister and their only child were in London for a 3-year attachment. I remember boarding the train with my 3 children to London to visit my aunt. Now, that was quite an experience. With 3 young children in tow! Because of his study schedule, we did not have the chance to travel much. As mentioned earlier, short trips during the weekends, to the Lake District area, to Glasgow, to Blackburn, Manchester. All that only happened during the weekends! The longest that we managed to stay away from home was the overnight caravan with another Malaysian family, south of Bradford. No Europe trips, no long holidays! But of course, to compensate, we had quite a few trips to factory outlets! That was the craze for Malaysian families to look for bargains to bring home. Trips to car boot sales was also the weekend norm. Trips to Sunderland to buy fish from the fisherman was also another activity to look forward to. And travelling was in the Volvo which my husband bought for a few hundred pounds!
Picture 33: Akad Nikah at 10.30 am 1.9.1979
Picture 35: The tradition in the Wan Kedah family. A glass of severely sweet served to the groom after the solemnisation ceremony. All eyes on how much was consumed. The elders will then interpret accordingly!! |
This year 2020 marks our 41 years of living together. If someone were to ask me do your love your husband more now or less now than when you first married him? Looking back on this journey I would say that this journey did go through a lot of phases. The early years was the adapting years. Before marriage I think most couples went through the pre honeymoon phase when everything looked and felt nice. We said nice words to each other. Hardly any big misunderstandings that we faced. Looking forward to seeing one another at every opportunity. Going on dates at the nearby eating area. If you ask me did you like the food, how was the food? I don’t think I can even recall what I had. Because we were too engrossed in getting to know each other. The pre honeymoon continued shortly after marriage. But then after a while we started to notice how each one of us have a certain way of doing things which sometimes need a little of adjustment and understanding from our other half. Our habits and routines that we did during our single days and we take for granted are going to be okay and will be readily accepted by the other half. I remember one of my colleagues telling me ‘marriage is a compromise’. How true is that?
Then came the first child. He is no longer the center of the universe in the family. You needed to adjust to a lot of new routines etc. Not forgetting datelines to meet at the workplace. So, the quality time for each other was lessened.
If you ask me again, did I not go through some rough patches? Of course, I did. But I remember the early years when he mentioned to me. That if ever we disagreed on anything and if he was angry about it and raised his voice, do not interfere and do not fight back. Because in moments like this you might say words that you might later regret. So, I held on to that reminder. Stay silent. But I think after a while, I realized that there were many issues that needed to be discussed. Choosing the right moment, choosing the right words, trying to be as diplomatic as possible in order to keep the tension low was sometimes successful but at other times the intention did not worked as planned.
But relationships mature as the journey continue. And as we age, the body itself goes through a lot of changes. The menopause period for both man and woman. Ya, it’s all about hormonal changes in the body. Some showed extreme changes in the physical and mental faculties while in others the symptoms are less severe. I think there is a lot of hype on woman and menopause but are all men aware that they too undergo changes in their selves? There are many articles online on health issues faced by men in their menopause years. I really had no idea of the many aspects of changes that they have to face (physical, sexual and psychological) during this phase. I am beginning to understand now and perhaps relate to a few examples of marriages that I know of couples going their separate ways in their late years. Perhaps if we women are made aware of these changes in their partners, then maybe the degree of compassion may be a notch higher from us wives. We may even react differently, be more tolerant and supportive. But I think the best medicine is to know, to acknowledge and to communicate the concern to our spouse and ride it out together.
Here’s one link for those interested:
https://www.healthline.com/health/menopause/male#symptoms
Dearest husband (if you are reading this:)
I want to say that to never forget that I love you
When we get to the end of our lives together
The house we had, the cars we drove, the things we possessed won’t matter.
What will matter is that I had You and you had me.
I love my life because it gave me you.
I love you because you are my life.
Love doesn’t mean you will always agree, see eye to eye, or never had an argument. It means despite the bad days you still can’t see yourself without that person.
Thank you for being part of my journey. Life has given us a wonderful family, a happy home, and love for each other. Most importantly, it’s brought us together. I am so grateful to have you as my husband. Alhamdullilah.
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